Let It Grow Organic Gardens

And I resumed the struggle. -Vladimir

Saturday, June 17, 2006

I Put The Full Resources of Let It Grow Organic Gardens at Your Disposal

TO: Walmart Intergalactic Headquarters
Bentonville, Arkansas

FROM: Let It Grow Organic Gardens
Spring Creek, North carolina

It was with great pleasure that I read recently that you plan to add organic produce to your already abundantly crowded shelves. I applaud this decision with great gusto! Let me be the first to say that if the vageries of the American economy causes organics to treat you anything like it's treated me, the world will be a better place!
We're pretty excited down here on the farm, and welcome you aboard the organic movement with open arms. We're always looking for additional markets, so let me say that I have mobilized the full force of Let It Grow Organic Gardens, and we will work ceaselessly to provide Walmart with the best damn organic produce that can be grown! I become teary at the thought of someday walking into a Walmart in, say, Missoula, Montana, or Pass Christian, Mississippi, and seeing a bunch of organic arugula that I grew all by myself. Don't get alarmed if one of your security cameras catches a scruffy looking guy in overalls hugging one of your associates; it's just me, unable to control my elation.
Let's get this ball rolling: I have now in my fields, ready for harvest, five, yes, five cases of lettuce, and about twenty pounds of squash. I offer these to you first, before any of my usual dreadlocked, patchouli reeking customers, before any froo-frooey restaurant in Asheville, and even before I offer it to our local co-op, because I know I can count on you for a fair price. Get back to me as soon as possible, and we can close the deal. I'll probably need directions to Bentonville, but I think I can deliver it by next Wednesday, or, maybe Thursday. Let this be the start of a long and glorious supply and demand relationship!
In closing, let me say that I've always relied on one of your many locations for the best price on socks, duct tape and motor oil. I've always been a loyal customer, and look forward to becoming a tiny link in your world wide supply chain.
Your Friend,


  • At June 17, 2006 10:51 PM, Blogger Mandie said…

    You're going to need to fly to Hong Kong, not Bentonville. They moved their purchasing department overseas.

  • At June 24, 2006 10:54 PM, Blogger spiral said…

    For some reason, I thought of you when I read about Wally World's plans to go organic. Mmmm, more food made in California (which I hear will go under soon due to an earthquake, a mudslide, or rising ocean levels due to global warming--but that's for the gods to mix and match as they please).


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